the purge: the last entry.

doors close. doors open. half open, half closed doors can be whisked closed. shut firmly. shut aggressively by the batting of eyelids. life seldom happens without your will. i can’t bend you, morph you, caress you deep into the generations of uncertainty and pain in your psyche. im not a carpenter nor am i an iron smith let alone a psychiatrist. i am not a messiah. i am not here to save you from yourself. no one ever wins those fights. to be or not to be…i am all but bitter–full of the understanding my first breath into this world registered me to a marathon of learning…
you’re a lesson i have learned and took for granted… a lesson i left in my jacket pocket when i was doing laundry. the gaze i missed taking while hurryingly getting ready for work. the sock i find when changing my bedding. the list of things i say i love before i get to mention myself.
i know. i know who i am. i must’ve forgotten. thank you for the reminder. you and me are alike–people hoarders. like scaffolds, i learn sometimes that it’s temporary. yet temporary is permanent and permanent is temporary. just the other day my students said,
“teacher, to get permanent marker off a white board maker use toilet spray.”
and it worked. the smudges remained but it worked.
you and i are much alike. trading failed promises made to ourselves … playing five cards. dropping ace of spade to trade for ace of hearts. it gets tiring being so strong but it doesn’t get tiring loving. i assume that’s what it is. that’s what the cards meant. but it’s all right–promises are not things to be kept let alone made. you, this lesson from ions ago, gravitating to my doorstep… i am uncertain too. the wind found the door open. you found the door open. i left the door open. you walked in and a knot made to close the door.
this can’t be undone by an exhale. i purge. then i stand at your door. no longer half open. just closed. life’s happenings are mostly dependent on your choice. you hear me? i said, do you hear me? it’s not you im talking to.

 

wame muse gwafila 2018

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